Thoughts From My Heart

^^ Early morning, very fuzzy phone pic of my little bump! ^^

15 Weeks, and the first bump picture I took!

I knew, even before the pregnancy tests detected it, that I was pregnant. Month after month, I would hope to be pregnant and I'd convince myself that certain little things meant I was and then I was always disappointed when the pregnancy tests would tell me otherwise and a few days later, my body would confirm the fact. But this time, I just knew. I think Joe was convinced that peeing in a cup was becoming my new hobby because for about a week, I took a test at least once, sometimes twice a day, waiting for that second line to appear. (Thank goodness for cheap pregnancy tests... even though they don't have the technology to detect early like I probably needed.) I was feeling really under the weather one Sunday morning and decided to go to Instacare, and of course, I took a test before going, just in case. By that point, I'm pretty sure Joe knew that I wasn't 100% crazy because he stood around waiting for the results with me and didn't shake his head and smile in the "See, I told you so" way that he had in months past. At Instacare, they kept asking me if there was a possibility that I was pregnant, and every time I told them, "Yes, and I'm fairly certain that I am, but all of the tests I've taken this week tell me that I'm not." I'm pretty sure they thought that I was crazy as well. Because of the tests that they wanted to run, they needed to confirm for themselves that I for sure wasn't pregnant, so they ran a test of their own. I think that both the doctor and the nurse expected me to be a little shocked when they relayed the news, but hearing, "So... you're pregnant and we're not going be able to run those tests today after all." made the amount of money that I spent on that visit, worth it. It was early on in the pregnancy, their test only showed a faint line, but on August 31st, I was excited and happy to know that I wasn't just imagining things and that I was going to be a mom.

^^ I liked watching the second line get darker every few days... I'm weird... ^^

One of the things that I've heard the most since starting to share our news with people is that if they were me, quite a few people wouldn't be announcing this early. I have been surprised by how many people are concerned that I publicly announced that I was pregnant just a few days shy of 16 weeks and that we let close friends and family know a little sooner, even though we shared a lot later than you normally see people announcing. Although I don't feel the need to justify my choice, I really wanted to share some of my thoughts throughout this pregnancy and the planning and decision making that went into sharing our excitement with everyone in our world. Having had a miscarriage earlier this year, and knowing how common it is, I can appreciate and understand the concerns that people might have for me, especially because I know that a lot of them have been through the same thing. But my personal experience with miscarriage has a lot to do with why I chose the timeline that I did for letting people know that our family would be growing by one person in 2015. 

Back in February, when we found out that we were pregnant the first time, Joe really wanted to keep it a secret and tell everyone in our families at once. He didn't feel like it was fair to let our parents in on such exciting news and expect them to keep it quiet. That was one thing that we changed this time around because the experience I had, calling my mom while sobbing hysterically in my tub, her having no idea what in the world was wrong with me but being understandably worried, and then having to share with her our exciting and devastating news both at the same time was not fun and neither was the experience of sharing with everyone else close to us who we felt needed to know.

This time around, after letting Joe know that my suspicions of being pregnant were confirmed (he got an immediate phone call, no cute announcement for him), my mom was the next person that I called. She was waiting for updates on my tests and I figured, "Oh, we decided not to do them, no reason." wouldn't be a good enough answer for her, she'd been wondering if I was pregnant for a week or so as well, and I wanted her to know early on this time around. After my at home tests gave me a positive answer later that week (because we wanted to see it for ourselves), we told Joe's parents and my dad. We waited until my first ultrasound at about 11 weeks, when I'd seen the baby and seen/heard the heartbeat, to really start sharing the news with our siblings, close family members and friends. I didn't go public with the news then, although I saw a lot of people due at the same time as me doing so and really wanted to, but I still felt comfortable sharing with those close to me.

^^ Seeing/hearing our baby's heartbeat was my favorite part of my first ultrasound ^^

From day one, I've been determined to have a positive attitude about this pregnancy. I haven't been as naive as I was last time, thinking that nothing bad could happen to me, but I didn't want the fear of what I knew could potentially happen keep me from enjoying the excitement of it all. Whenever those feelings of "what if this doesn't last" crept in, whenever I was a little bit spotty or had teeny tiny cramps, I reminded myself that it's normal. And then I would think back to that moment in March, when I knew without a doubt, before even getting out of bed, that I was miscarrying. I compare those feelings to the ones that I'm having at the time, and I feel ok again. My thinking is that if I waited until I was sure that I was out of the woods and nothing bad could happen to this pregnancy or my baby to start telling people our news, I would be waiting forever!! With anything in life, there is always a chance that something will go wrong. When you get a new job, when you're buying a house, when you're engaged, and even after you're more than settled into those life changes. There is always a risk that you'll share the news with people and later have to go back and say, "Sorry guys, that good thing isn't going to happen in my life right now after all." And as much as I'd hate to share that sort of news with everyone in my life, and I hope I don't have to, after the support and response that I got from my post about my miscarriage this summer, the closure that it gave me not to be keeping that secret anymore and the comfort that finding more people in my situation so that it didn't feel so lonely was, I wouldn't have any regrets in telling everyone so soon if something bad were to happen.

I understand if you are one of those people who wouldn't share your news so early if you were me, and when/if you are in my situation, I would respect that decision. For me, that wasn't the way to go. My parents waited until they were about where I am today to even tell their parents and siblings that they were expecting, and I guess if you don't see your family every week, that would probably be fairly easy. For me, it was hard to get together with our families every week, feeling sick and tired and fat, and resist the urge to yell, "YOU GUYS!!! GUESS WHAT?!?! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!" while we were with them. (For Joe this hasn't been as much of a problem, he's not as antsy as I am to tell the whole world because he's really good at secrets.) And while I may not have chosen to wait until I hit 20+ weeks to spread the news like I've seen some people do lately, my past experience and the experiences of others definitely had an impact on the timeline that I chose and all of the thought that went into it. And believe me, it was a lot of thought, just ask Joe... I way over plan things.

So again, I respect the concern and feelings of those who are worried that we shared our news too early, but for us, the timing is perfect. Joe and I were both hesitant to make any plans or dream too big for those first couple of months, but now that we're almost halfway through our journey to become parents, we've started picking out names, dreaming about our child (literally...we both have random dreams) and making plans for after the little one is here. We're moving forward with our excitement and we're really happy to have all of you to share this journey with us!